Inspiration- I'm not afraid of Sundays.

It’s rare that in one seemingly lazy, unproductive day that I both hear, watch and feel 3 separate things that inspire change.

Or maybe not even change. Inspiration to be more of my myself. The best version of myself. I’m tired of apologizing for mistakes. If I could restart this summer, I’d start it back on 7/7 and go from there, but I can’t. For some reason this summer has been very up and very down emotionally. I don’t even feel like going into details, I just know I want to be truly happy again.

Oh, there will always be a piece of my heart missing from my mom. That is something that I will carry with me forever. A lot of people do not understand how deep that scar is, JUST how much it can do to a person..especially when they didn’t have help to deal with it for quite a while.

Anyway, the point of my inspiration is.. tomorrow is a new day. Time to be a better me, time to not care what people think of what I have done in the past that they didn’t like and if they like me at all. It’s time to take that step forward and leave behind those that don’t belong anymore. Maybe they don’t belong at this moment, maybe they won’t belong again. Who knows. All I know is, I read this “The only people you need in life are the ones that need you in theirs.”, I watched this movie Waiting for Forever and I read some poetry while listening to some classical music, some not and I felt like it’s time to stop worrying.

I’m not going to be afraid of Sundays. I’m gong to enjoy the time with people I get along with and enjoy the things I do. I’m going to be happy and caring and a good person and friend. I’m not going to be afraid of Mondays, going to work and wondering when something is going to happen there that will throw me off course.

I’m back on course. It’s time to put this Mandy train back on track and headed in the direction I need to be. I can’t wait to see who is along for the ride.

Hindsight..

Obviously it is a lot easier to look back at parts of your life and see where you should have made changes or done things differently. Whether it be jobs, friends, ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, etc.

I think that if I could do things differently I would have made bigger changes in my life earlier than they occurred. I didn’t realize how REALLY unhappy I was until, well, the past few years. Reading my old livejourals, reading my old regular journals, scanning through chats with my ladyfriends. Looking at past behaviors. In a way it’s sad that I lost some years that could have been used being on my own and learning not to be codependent, in multiple different ways. I’m not really sure exactly at what point I should have made some of these changes.. because there were certainly good good times with so many friends, with the ex, with my job..

1. I wish I’d lived on my own BEFORE I was 23/25ish not after living with someone pretty much on and off for 10 years. I think it would have made me ‘grow up’ a lot faster and gain some self-confidence. Self-confidence that I still struggle with at 35.

2. I know this sounds horrible but I wish I hadn’t spent my entire 20’s dating one person. There were GREAT times and there were bad times. Sometimes I felt completely controlled and most of the time, too dependent to even think about leaving. I had never taken care of myself before really. Combine depression and anxiety with that and it’s rough. Even after, obviously was rough. I know quite a few friends who have had the same kind of issue, or been in a relationship or even friendship quite a bit longer than it should have lasted.


3. I wish I’d focused more on school during my earlier 20’s..but then I would have missed so many great memories.. but I think I would have been in a position at work such as the one I am in now faster than it took.

The thing is though, the things you go through both good and bad make you who you are today. Am I exactly where I want to be? No, I have higher goals for my career, I want to be more financially sound and I want to be closer to my friends. I also want to be healthier both mentally and physically.

I have spent A LOT of time pushing my feelings about growing up, my childhood, my mom, my dad, etc down and not dealing with them. Doing so has cost me a lot. I wish there had been someone to see that earlier so I wouldn’t still be dealing with it so much now. That’s not pointing fingers at anyone, don’t take it that way… (if anyone has made it this far). I should have been the one to help myself, but denial and distraction is so much easier than dealing with pain. =)

I’m lucky now, for the most part, at least in the fact that I have some people at work who are amazingly supportive, I have Luke, who has helped me and supported me more than I could ever have asked for..and I have a group of amazing friends. Friends who don’t give up on me despite my flaws, despite my weaknesses and seem to see something in me that I have a hard time seeing in myself.

If you’ve made it through all this.. that’s kind of a giant thank you. Thank you for sticking around, thank you for your honesty, thank you for some of the best times of my life..and thank you for sharing your lives with me. It’s been an amazing 15 years (that includes my old and new friends).

Okay, the tears are kind of trying to turn into a downpour so I’m going to wrap this up.

Hindsight is a good thing, but for the most part, the mistakes you make, you make for a reason and hopefully they make you a better person. I’m happy with the people in my life now (this isn’t to say I don’t wish we were closer, but that’s still a work in progress), very happy with Luke and the two best doggies in the world, fairly happy at work, but want to move higher…I just need to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, fix some of the things I don’t like and learn the accept the fact that I can’t make everyone like me, everyone happy and everyone understand me. That will take time.. but hey, I’m only 35 right? Hopefully I have plenty of time left in my life and you are only as old as you make yourself feel.

I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts on some of these ideas.. from your own life, advice, etc.

I wish there was a Carespot that was within 2-3 minutes. I hate the one on the westside…but I’m tired of feeling like crap. Me being sick = me being sad, contemplative and everything else that comes along with being run down. So I have been reading stuff online… " silence usually means one or both of you doesn’t care about the relationship enough to nurture it" Tough to read but maybe it’s what I needed to read. I care. Trust me, I care but at what cost? How exactly do you know it’s time to let go of a friendship/let go of the hope that it can be mended? When You and a Best Friend Break Up If you are the one going through a breakup, try to take a step back and determine the lessons learned from the friendship and the cause of the “divorce.” If a reconciliation is possible, go slowly and apologize or forgive (depending on your role in the breakup) and allow things to progress as they will. If you and a friend are meant to be best pals again, you will be eventually. If not, perhaps your friendship will change but you will still be in touch. Not every friend is meant to stay in our life, and getting over a breakup like this can take time and patience. Allow yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship, but don’t let yourself become cynical or negative about friends in general. Remain open to new friendships and be cautious about trying to fill the “best friend role” in your life too quickly. New friendships can’t be rushed.” I probably shouldn’t think about this stuff when I’m sick.. my thoughts are usually more sad and more dramatic. I guess the thing that is causing me to wonder if it’s time to let go is.. I’ve forgiven a lot in the past too, I wasn’t always treated well, what is so wrong with me that I can’t be forgiven for some dumb mistakes? Am I that worthless of a friend? Of course this could all just be a part of my depression and anxiety issues, I definitely lack self-confidence. It just hurts how easy this is for the other person to just let me go, when I still struggle with it and keep trying to find hope… Just another thing on the endless list of discussion with someone who can help me through it. I really hope I’m feeling better by Saturday. I get to go on the field pre-game at the Jaguars and lead the team out!! How freaking exciting is that?!?! All in all, I am a very lucky girl. I am surrounded by a ton of other great friends (Including other BEST friends), Luke and my family. Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about things I can’t change.. if it’s meant to be, it will be. One thing I know though, I won’t let myself be a pushover for anyone..I played that role many times in the past in multiple relationships and I do know I deserve better than that. (This is not in reference to any one person). Okay, I feel better talking that all out. My other journals get here today. =)

Achieve Anything in Just One Year

Day 1: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” - Martin Luther King, Jr. This is actually going to be part of my written notebook but I think I’ll include the quotes and some of the things I write on here too. The only lesson for today was to get a journal,...

So, it beings in August....

Well, here goes... This has been a bit of a rough year. To be honest, it’s been rough for the last year and a half. I have made a lot of mistakes, but also had a lot of good memories. One of my biggest regrets is that I may have lost one of my best friends in the world because of my lack of clarify, lack of focus and inability to say what I need to say, communicate effectively and say things I don’t mean instead of be constructive. Our friendship has NOT been perfect this year. We’ve both made mistakes, but I did the most damage. I hope someday we can mend the giant bridge that seems to have been burned..but more than anything it’s taught me how precious friends and family are..and I intend to focus on the people who do want to be in my life from here on out. I also want to focus on ME. I want to get back into shape, I have 2 goals for next year regarding running: Gate River Run (which I would have done this year, but I had the flu for a week) and perhaps a late year half marathon. I want to lose 45-50 lbs at a healthy speed and improve my health. I am sick way to often, suffer from severe depression and anxiety and am working with doctors and mental health professionals to get myself where I need to be. I’ve realized I have a lot of anger issues that I never resolved from some of the things in my past and it’s time to finally get those squared away. I also am trying to FINALLY get as ‘fixed up’ as I can from the accident from last year. I’m working on my Computer Science degree to try and expand my job prospects and I want to widen my horizons. I want to travel more, see more of my city and spend more quality time with my friends and their family as well as my family members. I have a lot of goals in mind but I have confidence in myself.. probably for the first time in months that I can accomplish them. I hope my true friends and family will stand behind me and support the things I wish to accomplish. Those that can’t or are a negative drain on me and my mental/physical, I will need to set free. I’m doing the best I can to mend all the fences I can and I look forward to many fun/happy times in the future. I have a few books that inspire journal writing/thought provoking questions, etc. I plan on using these books in my blog as well… I also want to do some food blogging, healthy recipes, exercise routines, etc. I hope some of it is enjoyable to read, but mostly, this is for me. I’d love any positive and constructive input/criticism you’d care to offer. As always… GO JAGUARS!!! =)